What Joanna Gaines Taught Me About The Power of Choice
As a mom of two with a shared passion for renovation and decorating, I recently finished Joanna Gaines book, The Magnolia Story — her first book co-written with her husband about their young marriage and personal story building their home renovation business. (Now I am full of anticipation to read her newest book, The Stories We Tell).
In her first book, Joanna attributes much of her success as a mom and business owner to her faith. She quotes the Serenity Prayer as her rock during the hardest first years of running their business while birthing and raising 4 children (she now has 5 children):
“God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” — The Serenity Prayer
I’m not a religious person but I really took her words to heart. If something as simple as this short prayer could help Joanna further develop her open-hearted family and community values, savvy business skills and power-mama abilities — I sure-as-heck was going to take it seriously.
After finishing her book, I had to wonder what it was about the Serenity Prayer that gave Joanna so much wisdom and confidence to pursue the life she sought after. It made sense to me that when we give our energies to things we DO have control over that this would lead to self-confidence, skill building and both personal and professional success over time. It also made sense to me that if we give our energies to the things in our lives we DON’T have control over, that this would result in wasted energies, no results and well frankly — exhaustion and frustration to boot. Quite the opposite of the life Joanna Gaines has built for herself and her family.
It was just the last bit that felt a bit murky to me. Like, “how DO I know what I have control over and what I don’t?”
The realization that I was unclear about what I had control over and what I did not, left me wondering and questioning, “If I don’t feel 100% confident in my ability to know what I have control over and what I don’t, I think I need to explore this a bit further.”
And so I did what any typical type A person would do. I started to make a list.
Things I know for certain I DO have control over:
- What I eat for breakfast everyday
- How I treat people
- What industry I choose to pursue and work in
- What I do with my free time
- The outfits I choose to wear
As I got further down the list, it started to dawn on me. The things I have control over all have to do with my personal CHOICES, and really not much else. I didn’t choose to be raised in a white, middle class family. But I did choose to go to college. That part was my choice. Of course, we are influenced by our environment a lot but we still have choices in life. This felt revelatory and strangely powerful, but also a bit intimidating.
I make choices that impact my future and my finances and my relationships — every damn day. Fuck.
Feeling the weight of the power of my choices, feels well, fucking scary. No wonder, I’ve been an anxious mess since highschool. SO MUCH PRESSURE. In my experience this sort of pressure and analysis paralysis didn’t seem to be helping me in any way. If I overthink how many choices we have, it’s simply too much. It just leads to indecision and no action taken. Best to just feel this inner power without thinking about it too much.
But what about those things I don’t have control over, do I give my time and energy to anything on that list? Well, let’s see:
Things I know for certain I DO NOT have control over:
- What other people think about me
- How other people treat me
- Whether I feel emotionally or physically safe in a situation or relationship (I don’t have control over how I feel but I do have control over whether I choose to remain or leave these situations or relationships)
- Other people’s choices
This last one hit me kinda hard. I immediately thought about a moment earlier that day when I had lectured my husband about cleaning up around the house, for probably the 100th time. Most mornings my husband, bless him, winds through the house like a tornado leaving a trail of dirty clothes, towels and food scraps in his wake. By the time my brain has even registered what day it is, he’s already whooshed out the door, leaving me behind to clean up the debris.
“Whether he chooses to clean up around the house or not, is not MY choice,” I realized, “it’s HIS, and wasting my time and energy fighting with him about it was, quite literally, draining my precious limited resources that I COULD be spending on things I DO have control over — like hiring a cleaning lady and making him pay for it — Eureka! Not to mention painting and staining that table I’ve been meaning to paint for 4 years, YES!
I wondered how much more time and energy I would save if I started to solve problems with this way of thinking in every area of my life. All the energy I had spent trying to change the people around me, trying to get them to treat me a certain way, understand my needs, and ultimately LOVE me — I realized was likely the biggest black hole in my life, sucking the life out of me every minute I gave into the illusion that I have any control over people and situations.
When I could be focusing on all that I do have control over, like choosing which milk paint color, ivory or linen, to paint my dining room table and benches.
Creating things, surrounding myself with beautiful things that I arranged, or tasting one of my homemade healthy sweets helps me appreciate their beauty and flavors in a whole new way and fills my day with gratitude — and this, I’ve found, is the secret sauce to a happy, fulfilling life.
Like the magic genie told Aladdin was one of his only three rules before granting him his three wishes, we can’t make people love us. All we can do is be ourselves, choose to focus on the next creative, productive, inspirational choice we can make and watch our lives magically unfold.
Thanks, Joanna.
Heather Wise is a wellness consultant, mind-body coach and author of A Gut Feeling: Conquer Your Sweet Tooth by Tuning Into Your Microbiome. Learn more about Heather’s mindful body wellness tips and resources (including delicious recipes) on her website.
